..hand me the remote and back out of the room quietly

I’m sick.

Now… to most of you, this means nothing; to a select few, however, you know this is completely unheard of.  I’m not a person accustom to being sick (as evidenced by my self-chosen nickname – ‘Unbreakable’) and as such I’m completely lost as to what to do (this statement does not bode well for my patients – I  promise I’m exceptionally well versed on what to do when YOU are sick…).  Basically I’ve been a slug-a-bed for 13 days, hoping nobody knows I exist (this, by the way, is not a grand deviation from any other 13-day span of my life); 4 of those days, however, were spent concentrating on not dying.  Currently I’m back to the land of the living, shifting every few hours to prevent my skin from fusing to the couch.

Before the calls start rolling in – it’s a cold, nothing more (although Dan is convinced it’s walking pneumonia – who fuckin’ died and made him Hugh Laurie?).  Last night I finished up a coughing fit with a grunt and a sigh then found the nearest chair to drop into; I looked up to see Abby looking at me with an almost blank stare and shook my head in a (not so rare) moment of self-pity.  Abby’s lack of emotion quickly turned to wearisome disgust, “Uhhhhh yeah…. I think we’ve all had enough mom. You’ve been trying to be the center of attention for 2 weeks; you’re pushing it,  you can stop now.”  …got my nurturing gene I see.

There has been tons of ‘trying to sleep’ with very little actual sleep – so I’ve spent my time thinking about colds and their victims and have decided sufferers fall into 2 categories – ‘The Needies’ and ‘The Loners’.  As in any classification system, these 2 groups can be further broken down but for today’s purpose we’ll keep it at Needies and Loners.

I’m most definitely a Loner. Like I said… I’ve spent the last 2 weeks trying to blend into the background – don’t talk to me,  I  won’t talk to you – just let me sit here daydreaming of drill bits boring into my sinus cavity…

Dan… is a Needy.  Now… he’s not an Extreme Needy – those people who veritably glow as they describe their newest horrific ailment; no, Dan is more of a ‘I’m gonna pretend to blow off my illness but I’ll do so by mentioning how bad it *isn’t* 17 times per hour on average’. Yeah reeeeeeeal fuckin’ irritating.  “Oh, me? I’m (snorgle) fine; nah (throat clearing) it’s nothin’.  I’m (throw head back to corral drainage) tough.” ok good, ’cause I hardly even noticed when you sneezed for 23 solid seconds – not multiple sneezes – 1 damn sneeze hatchooooooooooooooooooooooooo, arms and legs flailing about…  Not to mention he is.the.worst.cougher.EVVVVVEEERRRR. I’ve never heard the man cough from his chest – sumbitch coughs from his friggin larynx.  I mean… cough that shit up already!

He says some stupid shit, too: “I don’t know what you had last week but it picked up steam on its way to me.”  “You do sound really bad but this is the 1st time you’ve been sick in 15 years, now imagine being sick 3 or 4 times every year.”  And the worst, “Are these Puffs with lotion?  I need the lotion, I need Puffs with lotion, do they still make lotion tissues; my nose is raw.” Ugh it’s all I can do not to slug him right now…

Anyway… worse than being around a Needy when the Needy is sick – is being smothered by a Needy when you, a Loner, are sick.  “I saw you blink, are you ok?  Do you need something? I ran to the store for juice, antihistamines, decongestants, cough suppressant, tissues, a nettipot, cough drops and suppositories, I can go back…” (for the record… ima hafta be a whole lot sicker than this to start down the suppository road).   Pretty much when we Loners are under the weather – show concern, then move along… when and if you hear the death rattle – catch my eye, I’ll let you know where I  stand.    Do NOT stare at me at 5am until my eyes – which just closed 20 minutes ago – open, so that you can say, “Did ya sleep?  How ya feelin’?”  And please, I beg of you, do not ask more than 1 time a day, “Can I get you anything?”  Yes, you can get me a one-way fuckin’ ticket to ‘away from you’!   (I can admit, not showing enough concern can be disastrous as well – there is, however, a line between ‘not enough’ and full on ‘Dan’ and the line is not thin man, the line… is not thin).

Conversely, I can see where being a sick Needy living with a Loner can be a touch disenchanting.  Years ago Dan was S.I.C.K. – he had spent days smothering me, tending to my every unspoken (unwanted?) need – as I mended, he fell.  At the end of his first day down, I felt a kinship to Clara Barton; the next morning I walked into our room and he croaked out a desire for orange juice… I rolled my eyes, threw up my arms and sighed; when I (begrudgingly) returned I put the OJ and 3 types of medication on the bedside table and said, “Here! I got shit to do! I can’t keep running up here getting you stuff…”

Why that man has hung in there this long is anybody’s guess…

I’m sure he’ll have the amped up version of my yuck by next week, I’m already irritated by the thought.  ‘Course I’m not even sure he knows I’m sick… asshole didn’t even ask me how I feel today.